He came home this evening to find me on the kitchen floor. On my knees. Surrounded by the usual mish-mash of baby changing paraphernalia – sudocreme, wipes, tiny nappies and, ahem, masking tape.
SKY News was blaring on the TV, the spuds were boiling over on the hob and there was the distinct smell of overcooked fish emanating from the oven.

‘Eh – hi honey, I’m home,’ he ventured, the tentative tone to his voice giving away his unease at the sight of his obviously grumpy, pregnant wife on her knees, immersed in chaos.
‘Don’t even start,’ I spat.
‘Oh, right. Where is she?’
‘Where is she? Where is she? Well I’ll tell you where she isn’t! She isn’t here tending to her responsibilities like she should be.’ I brandished a half dressed baby doll by one leg, nappy half masking-taped to her bottom.
He nodded with a pathetic attempt at understanding and turned away, but I could see his shoulders start to shake with poorly disguised mirth.
He’d seen this coming and he was right. It was all my own fault.
As a mother of a two year old with another on the way, I had decided it would be a great idea if Santa brought a baby doll, complete with nappies, bottles and a soother.
All in the way of preparation for the new arrival.
And in my defence, it was a huge success. To be really honest, the exact level of success far exceeded both my expectations and my wishes.
Baby Millie was changed and fed to a routine that would put the most militant of nannies to shame. And to be fair, for those first three hours on Christmas morning, my enthusiasm surprised even myself. I supplied cheap wipes, an empty tub of sudocreme, an empty tub of talc, all in the name of education and preparation. I may even have shed a hormone induced tear as the brand new Mammy rocked her plastic newborn with the words, ‘Go to sleep my liddle baby’.
I was thrilled of course at her dedication to the project and thought it boded very well for the prospective welcome of the new sibling.
Then, things started to slide slowly out of control.
Due to my over exuberance on the paraphernalia front, baby Millie needed a changing bag. No problem. Mammy had a spare one. Great.
Then empty tubs no longer sufficed. ‘She needs reeel cream!’ was the wail.
Then every time Baby Millie left the house over the course of the Christmas holidays, her little pink nappy bag had to be packed. Bottles, wipes, nappies…
Her buggy had to go in the car; her car seat had to be strapped in…
‘But it’s a doll!’ He groaned one day as I ran back into the house to grab Baby Millie’s soother.
‘Not to her,’ I hissed.
By New Year, reality had sunk in. Not only was Daughter No1 being groomed for the new arrival, but so was Mammy. Instead of enjoying my last few tiny-baby-free months, I had given birth ‘prematurely’ to a plastic nightmare.
Sweet, pink, innocent Baby Millie had shot me squarely in the foot. And it hurt.
Not only could I now remember only too well the chaos a new baby brings, I was also starting to feel the exhausted pain and weariness of a modern ‘granny-before-her-time’, left holding the baby of her teenage daughter, at a time when she should be ‘finished with all that palaver’.
Only this daughter wasn’t heading out to party with her friends. No, this one was abandoning nappy changes mid way through to resume a jigsaw, the words ‘You do it’ carelessly thrown over one shoulder being the only, ominous, similarity.
Of course Himself thinks it’s hilarious.
Well, the laugh will be on the other side of his face when I tell him Baby Millie needs a new buggy. After all, you can’t expect the child to push that flimsy plastic-rubbish down our potholed driveway. Heavens, no, she’ll definitely need one of those all-terrain jobs, maybe with three wheels, and suspension – I mean, there’s no point in half doing something…Yes, change is coming to our house. But change can be good. Ask Barack. I just love that man. Yes, I know I supported Hilary in the early days, but even I know now that she wouldn’t have brought the same wave of hope, of revolution, of thanks.
It helps that he’s easy on the eye. It even helps that he smokes – ah sure you’d need him to have some bit of boldness about him.
Oh, Mister President…
So today was the inauguration. I know she’s only two, but I decided the day was too historic to let slide. Dragging her onto my knee I explained that the man on the screen was going to save us all, that he was a great man, that he was the first black American President.
And then it suddenly occurred to me that his colour would mean nothing to her. That she was possibly belonging to the first generation for whom colour actually made no difference. After all, several of Barney’s little gang of friends were of various races and no comment had been passed yet.
So abandoning the history lesson lest I create an issue where none existed, I instead spent a half an hour teaching her to chant with her little fist in the air ‘Yes We Can!’ and sure she loved that.
Great Stuff.
And then it was time to change Baby Millie again and that was when Daddy walked in.Finally getting off the floor, Baby Millie, changed and safely hidden behind the sofa for the evening, I called the child prodigy to come and show Daddy her new trick.
‘Who was the man on the TV, Belle?’
‘Ehmmm,’ she thought for a minute.
‘Come on Isabelle, What was the nice man’s name,’ I asked sweetly, whilst silently sending the telepathetic message of a pushy parent We’ve practiced this, don’t let me down!
Obaba!’ she cried gleefully, the strange scary look in Mammy’s eyes having the desired effect.
‘And what does Obama say?’ I encouraged with relief.
And with that, she raised her little index finger in the air and with all the strength, belief and determination demonstrated by the great man himself she pointed straight at Daddy;
‘Yes You WILL!!’

Yes, sometimes we have to embrace change; I thought as I turned to guiltily retrieve Baby Millie from behind the couch, after all, she was probably due a feed…